Perplexed

        Today Sunday, August 13 of 2023 I have committed the moral sin of masturbation once again. This one act of sin has caused me to be down and perplexed all day long. I feel full and truly happy when I’m with God, I feel content with my life and have a purpose. I am happy with God. For whatever reason though, I constantly find myself pushing myself away by committing this sin. So my question to you is, why do we constantly do this to ourselves? Why do we push away what makes us truly happy in order to gain a few seconds of pleasure. How is it justified to sin against the all loving father that we have for a sensation that will only lead to emptiness afterwards! It’s not justified, yet we do it anyway, I do it anyway! 

        I don’t know what I need to change in my habit to stop, I don’t know how long I need to force myself to fight against this temptation (probably forever). I’m just so perplexed on why do I keep doing this to myself. I’ll be praying that something clicks inside and gives me the mental strength to fight against the temptation, because I can’t be a child of God if I don’t get a hold of this situation. May God bless us all.

        Update:

        Todays reading talked about having faith in God during the hard times in life. Jesus was with his 12 apostles on a boat, he asked them to drop him off at land so that he could pray and told them to set back at sea after dropping him off. They did as told and while they were at sea alone the water started to get agitated, the boat started to rock vigorously and they were all scared to death. Then Jesus appeared to them walking on top of the untamed waters. They originally thought he was a ghost but when he called out to them peter asked Jesus to allow him to walk on the waters just like he was doing. Jesus was not asked to calm the waters, nor to stabilize the boat, but instead to allow Peter to walk on top of these wild waters with such calmness like Jesus was doing. When Peter started to step out of the boat he had some doubt and fear within him and started to sink, Jesus immediately gave him a helping hand and saved Peter from drowning. Father Marcio explained that the waters were sin, he elaborated how Jesus didn’t come to earth to stop the sin completely, he came to help us walk above sin just like he was doing. We are trapped in this small boat (life) that is constantly being thrown around by the waters (sin) but if we put our faith in Jesus, if we give him complete control of our lives, then we will be able to walk on top of the waters. It’s easy to take one step out of the boat, because you still have one foot on the boat, but when we lift that foot, when we completely put ourselves out there, its a whole different case. If we have a hint of doubt or uncertainty, then we will sink into sin, but Jesus will be there to put a hand out for us. He will catch is and save us from death. It is up to us to grab his hand and try again, or to just sink into the abyss. 

        This was very touching to me because I felt very unmotivated today. I felt annoyed and disappointed in myself for failing my abstinence, I took a step but unfortunately sank. Now I need to grab his hand, get saved, and try to reach his salvation once more. Try to stand on the waters with him, try to get above sin, try to reach the end of the journey. If we keep trying, if we keep grabbing onto his helping hand, we will reach the eternal salvation. Don’t lose hope, you will be able to conquer your sin. Thank you God for teaching me this today. Have a blessed night everyone.